I’m getting tired of being tired

I’ve been feeling stuck lately.

I want to get well yet it’s becoming increasingly difficult to put in the continuous effort that my illness demands & instigate a routine.

I want to move out & gain independence but I’m unable to do so until I’m well enough to take care of myself & my home.

I want to start work & begin a career that I will enjoy & be proud of, however at the age of 22 I am still not ready for it.

Chronic illnesses can feel so dehumanising. Some people, myself included, are not able to work. Our health and abilities are not reliable enough. We’re not physically and/or mentally capable enough to work. We have no choice but to spend a very high percentage of our time at home. And when we overdo ourselves, we’ll feel the debilitating results for days after.

Yet there will still be people who say things like “You’re so lucky you don’t have to work!” or “I wish I could spend all day at home!” as if I have it easy.

I got diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome/m.e at the age of 12, and at the same time I became extremely depressed and anxious. I missed half of high school, had to drop out of college after a year & 5 years later, I still haven’t been able to work or return to studies. The last 5 years I’ve spent at home going through the harsh cycle of getting better only to get worse again.

Still, I constantly remind myself to feel thankful that I don’t have it worse. Thankful for the help & support I’ve had over the past ten years. Thankful for the opportunities I’ve had and the lessons this illness has taught me. Thankful for how much I have progressed.

Today though, I’m struggling & wishing things were easier. I’m allowing myself to be upset & angry. Tomorrow I’ll make as much effort as I can to get back on the horse. I’ll get over this hump soon and I’m still certain that one day I’ll be where I want to be!

”I am a work in progress” (yes, I’m quoting Glee)

– T

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